A Short Story
A.I. Free Guarantee
May 23, 2023
Read time: 30 minutes
TLDR:
Terry Brantley Sr. and Terry Brantley Jr. have a couple of problems in their lives. Terry Sr. is looking for a new car. Terry Jr. is trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life.
“And this baby,” said George Holiday, “this baby can reeeeeeeeeally roar. This is one of my favorites right here.” George Holiday ran his hand along the hood of a brand-new Ford Mustang. Terry Brantley’s eyes widened.
“You ever drive rear-wheel?” asked George.
“I’m not sure.”
They both had a laugh.
Terry Brantley recently had a big payday. He had more money than he knew what to do with. Terry made his money in military micro-plastics. Working in military micro-plastics, it was normal to spend big money from a big payday on beautiful cars. Terry was thinking hard about the line of Mustangs. And he thought hard about the line of Lincolns. He thought about flipping a coin.
“Maybe we can test drive some of these and give it a real good look, is that okay?” asked Terry.
“Oh, absolutely. Let me go ahead and grab the keys for the Mustang and we can take her for a spin.”
George came back with a set of keys and a hop in his step. Terry got in the driver’s seat and George got in the passenger seat. George started talking about everything and anything about the car. George pointed out the Push-To-Start Button, the Mirror Adjustment Settings, the Wheel Configuration Module, and the Manual Transmission. “You know how to drive manual, correct?” asked George.
“Yes, sir.”
“Great!”
“What about the A.I.?”
“Oh sir,” said George, “did you want A.I. with the car?”
“Well, I assumed—”
“Sir, your Mustang comes with an A.I. Free Guarantee, will that be okay?”
***
Around this time, Artificial Intelligence had wrapped its arms and legs around the world and given us all a big hug. We couldn’t help ourselves. Especially because if you looked to the person to your left and looked to the person to your right, just about everyone was using Artificial Intelligence. Pretty soon, if you were raising a kid who wasn’t hooked up to the latest Artificial Intelligence update every night before bed, your kid would fall behind all the others in school. And who would do that to their kid?
Grocers became faster. Average employees knew where to find Oreos and peanuts at the snap of a finger.
Salesmen couldn’t survive without the latest and greatest Artificial Intelligence update. Imagine, going into a sales pitch without all of the relevant information about your product at your fingertips. That was a thing of the past. George Holiday couldn’t even begin to think about what life would be like without Artificial Intelligence juicing through to his brain and down his central nervous system. From time to time, George thought about how his father would survive in today’s car environment. George reckoned the old man wouldn’t know his shoes from his trousers. “He’d barely make enough to feed our family goldfish,” George thought to himself.
On the other hand, there was Terry Brantley, the man with the big payday. Terry Brantley came from a different group of folks than the grocers or George Holiday. Terry was one of the most important and tenured employees at H.B. Micro-Plastics. This made Terry one of the most important people in the military micro-plastics world. And that made him one of the most important people in the world, plain and simple. With the snap of a finger and a couple of words, Terry Brantley could decide the outcome of a war. He had done it before and he’d probably do it again.
People like Terry did not hook themselves up to Artificial Intelligence. These folks deemed their jobs too important to be “poisoned” with Artificial Intelligence.
Artificial Intelligence made them think funny, they’d say.
***
.
“No-no-no, I’m glad to hear that,” said Terry. “A.I. Free Guarantee…I like that. I was hoping we could shut it off or something. Wasn’t sure how you guys ran that stuff. I’m not a real car guy,” said Terry.
“Oh, it’s not a problem at all,” said George. “Jessica told me you worked for H.B. And everyone who works for H.B., well at least a fella like yourself, we’re pretty certain wants their car A.I. Free.”
“That’s good.”
Terry started the car. He heard the engine. He felt the roar. And they rolled off the lot. The Mustang glowed red in the noon sunlight. And they rolled past a sign that said:
Holiday & Sons
Your Local Ford Dealer
“Every day is a Holiday!”
“I’m liking it already,” Terry said.
***
The next day, Terry drove his brand-new glowing red Mustang to work. Along the way, Terry passed a world that glowed with Artificial Intelligence. Mostly everything had that A.I. shine. The gas station pumps, the road, the advertisements for chewing gum, all glowed with A.I. Only the local baseball field did not glow with A.I. Like the military micro-plastics industry, we did not want to “poison” our baseball with Artificial Intelligence.
As the brand-new glowing red Mustang drove to work, little seven-year-old Arty Hunker licked a lollipop in his car passing by. He watched the A.I. Free Mustang drive by.
“Whaaaaaaa, what’s that?” said Arty.
“That’s a Mustang, Arty,” said Arty’s father.
“Whaaaaaaa, why does it look like that?”
“It doesn’t have any A.I., buddy.”
“Why?”
“Well, because he can afford it, buddy.”
“Why?”
***
Terry rolled up to H.B. Micro-Plastics Headquarters with that brand-new car confidence. There was his parking space with his name on it and his new Mustang scooted right into it. He stepped out of his car wearing a pair of Aviator sunglasses with black lenses. He wore a black suit jacket with a black tie, a black belt, black shoes, and a white shirt. Terry always said he did not like to be too flashy.
Across the parking lot sat a brand-new Jeep Wrangler driven by the notorious Terry Brantley, Jr. Terry Jr. was taking his time going into work at H.B. Micro-Plastics today. He had trouble sleeping lately. He had ongoing chest pain that was getting worse. He hadn’t told anyone about his slipping health.
He watched his father glide into the office. He thought about how his dad carried himself every day. Everyone respected him, he thought. He thought about when he was eight years old and he’d go into his dad’s work. People would walk into his office and ask him questions all the time. He always had an answer and everyone always left with a smile on their face. And all was right with the world.
Terry Jr. stared out the windshield of his car. He had a stuck look on his face. His lips were in the shape of the letter “n.” He took a deep breath.
He looked at his passenger seat. There sat a brand-new Artificial Intelligence charger. Terry Jr. sighed. He forgot to take it out of his car last night. “Don’t want the boss to see that,” he thought to himself. He tucked his A.I. charger under his seat. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he thought. “Make my day.” There was something about the thought of losing all of his income because of getting caught with an Artificial Intelligence charger on company property that made Terry Jr.’s “n” turn into a “u.”
He got out of his car and headed into the office.
***
This was the biggest day of Terry Jr.’s life.
Today, CEO Niles Huntley was going to walk into Terry Jr.’s office and say “Hey ya, kiddo!” They‘d chat about their weekend for a bit. Niles would say, “Oh back in my day…boy, I could tell you a story or two.” Or he would say something like that. They did that every Monday morning.
This Monday morning was going to be a little bit different though.
Terry Jr. fully expected Niles to, at least, briefly go over the handling of H.B. Micro-Plastics’ operations in Germany. Niles, since the early days of H.B. Micro-Plastics, had been working directly with the Germans. Germany was his pride and joy. Now, it was going to be Terry Jr.’s pride and joy. Terry Jr. was going to run all of H.B.’s operations in Germany. And Terry Jr.’s chest felt like it was going to explode.
Today, the Germans were coming to America. A limousine was going to personally pick them up from the airport. The limousine was going to be filled with champagne, vodka, beer, and tiny finger sandwiches. Then, CEO Niles Huntley and Terry Jr. were going to take them out for dinner. There were going to be steaks, lobsters, coq au vin, lamb chops, and the works. The Germans loved wine. Everyone was getting ready for a good night. Terry Jr. was getting ready for the rest of his life.
***
CEO Niles Huntley walked into Terry Jr.’s office.
“Hey ya, kiddo!”
“Niles, how are ya?”
“Doing great! How was the weekend?”
“Oh, you know, seeing friends, chasing girls, trying to stay out of trouble.”
“That’s what I like to hear!”
CEO Niles Huntley began talking poetically about the finer points of his weekend. He always found it to be a good way to get the conversation rolling. He liked connecting with people, he always said. He always wanted to hear a little bit about your life. In turn, he’d share a little bit about his life. This weekend, CEO Niles Huntley went fishing.
“Catch anything good?” asked Terry Jr.
“Oh yeah!” Niles went to pull out his phone. “Here let me show ya.” Niles scrolled through his phone and a look of disgust came across his face.
“Shoot,” said Niles.
“What’s up?”
“My phone isn’t up to date. I can’t see the picture.” Niles tucked his phone back in his pocket. “It’s my new admin, Abby. She keeps forgetting to get her A.I. up to date. My phone’s a little behind. Slows me down.”
“Not good.”
“She’s still learning. Gotta give her a little bit of time to flip over her A.I. She’ll get consistent soon…just gotta give her some time.”
You see, it was okay for Abby, CEO Niles Huntley’s administrator, to be hooked up and juiced with A.I. every night and all day every day. Her work was like George Holiday’s or the grocers’. And Niles needed her to be on top of her game.
“Anyway, let me tell you about this fish.” And CEO Niles Huntley went on.
***
CEO Niles Huntley talked about the fish, the beer, and his log cabin up north. It was a relaxing weekend he said. He felt he was one with nature.
“Probably not a speck of A.I. up there, huh?”
“Nah, no internet, nothing like that.”
“I can imagine the stars now.”
“Oh my gosh, we gotta have you come up to the cabin sometime, kiddo. My gosh, it’s unbelievable."
“Crazy.”
“Yeah, to think people go looking at the stars or even fishing nowadays all juiced up on A.I…I don’t know what the point is.”
“I hear ya.”
“You’re supposed to be one with nature.”
“Oh, I know.”
“It’s crazy how the times have changed.” CEO Niles Huntley stood there and thought for a moment. “Hey, I always wondered, because you had to be hooked up to A.I. your whole childhood, ya know, for school. And I’m sure you hook yourself up when you go out and chase girls, I mean I watch the news I know you kids hook yourselves up and get yourselves ready and right for going out when you go out on the weekends.”
“Hm.”
Terry Jr. felt the pain in his chest.
“I guess I’m wondering,” continued CEO Niles Huntley, “growing up with it, what’s it like? What was it like for you?”
Terry Jr. felt his heart sink and his tongue swell in the back of his throat. He could barely focus on Germany today. Now, CEO Niles Huntley wanted to shoot the breeze on illegal foreign substances. Terry Jr. wondered if, next, CEO Niles Huntley would make him spread his cheeks and pee in a cup.
“Well,” said Terry Jr. He searched for the exact words he was thinking Niles wanted to hear. “I guess I grew up with it. To me, I never really noticed a difference. I guess I don’t really know any different.”
Terry Jr. stopped talking and the weight of an elephant lifted off of Terry Jr.’s chest.
“Yeah,” said Niles, “I’ve heard that, especially people your age. I remember the first time I hooked myself up to it and…ZANG!” CEO Niles Huntley pumped his fist.
“Really?”
“Oh yeah,” said Niles, “it was like I was shot out of a cannon. I get why no one wants to see anyone hooked up to the stuff.”
“Yeah.”
“Of course,” said Niles, “it’s like steroids in baseball.”
***
“Say,” said CEO Niles Huntley, “I wanted to go over some things about tonight.”
CEO Niles Huntley began to talk about the finer points of the evening. At this point, plenty of the details were understood between Niles, Terry Jr., and the Germans. Terry Jr. had been to Germany, shook hands with the Germans, and seen all the angles he needed in order to be successful in Germany. Terry Jr. was well known for what he had done in Japan, South Korea, and in Italy for H.B. Micro-Plastics. The Germans were excited to work with Terry Jr.
For the most part, CEO Niles Huntley just wanted to make sure they were on the same page about how the evening would go. They talked a little bit about Germany, a little bit about micro-plastics, a little about operations, and a little about steaks and wine.
“How are you feeling about tonight?” asked CEO Niles Huntley.
“Feeling good.”
Terry Jr. did not feel good at all.
“Alright then.” CEO Niles Huntley patted his knee. “I’m looking forward to tonight. This is gonna be great!”
Terry Jr. wanted to throw up.
***
The nauseous Terry Jr. was halfway to the bathroom when he walked past his father, Terry Sr.
“Hey, bud,” said Terry Sr.
“Dad.”
Terry Sr. heard something different in Terry Jr.’s voice.
“Dad, do you think we can go for a walk? Maybe in—”
“Yeah, definitely. Wanna go in like fifteen?”
“Yeah.”
Terry Jr. went to the bathroom, puked his guts out, washed his mouth out, and got himself together.
On any given weekday, you could see a few people from H.B. Micro-Plastics, Nichols Technologies, B & B Inc., or Reno Information Systems walking around Huntley Technology Park. Especially if it was a nice day. People would go out for lunch breaks and get as much Vitamin D as possible. Some people found it decompressing. Other people found it a good place to talk and not be so flustered by what was inside their place of business. There was something about being in the sunshine that was freeing.
There was Terry Jr. and Terry Sr. Terry Jr. was telling Terry Sr. everything. All of his cards were on the table. Terry Jr. was not sure about how he could go forward with H.B. Micro-Plastics. He talked about the other things that he wanted to do in life. He talked about giving back to the community. He talked about working with his hands and feet more. Terry Jr. talked about his ongoing health problems. His inability to sleep. His chest pain. He talked about how this was the first time he was telling anyone about this kind of stuff.
Terry Sr. took it all in.
They had been walking side-by-side around Huntley Technology Park for a while now. Finally, Terry Jr. slowed his roll and stopped talking.
“Hey,” said Terry Sr.
They stopped walking. Terry Sr. looked Terry Jr. in the eyes.
“You know you don’t have to do this,” said Terry Sr. “Look, I’ve been there before. Where you’re sitting, where you’re standing. The concern for your health. The concern for your health while balancing work. I’ve been there before, where you’re standing.
“It’s good. It’s good you’re recognizing this. It’s good you’re recognizing this and reaching out to me, shoot anyone, about this. It means your brain is working right. It means you want to survive. You are reaching out for help. Doing what you need to do to survive. We’re human beings. We’re wired for survival. We all are.
“I remember I got to one point at the end of my rope. I needed to step away. I needed time to myself. If you need time away to think about things, you should do it. If you think you need that, the door is right there for you. No one else is going to give it to you as good as this place.
“Niles is good. He’s always been good to us. Always good to you and your mother. Hell, even after the divorce, he still sends her a Christmas card.”
Terry Jr. laughed.
“He’ll understand,” Terry Sr. went on. “And hey, if you come out the other end thinking that you need to build schools in Guatemala or just need a little time off away from the game for a bit, just let me know.”
Terry Jr. dipped his head.
“Terry, son,” said Terry Sr.
Terry Jr. looked up and into his dad’s eyes.
“I’m glad you came to me. If you need anything at all just let me know. I love you, son.”
Terry Jr. and Terry Sr. hugged each other.
Five minutes later, they went back into H.B. Micro-Plastics Headquarters, and all of Terry Jr.’s father’s words had evaporated. They meant for a good cry and that was about it. Terry Jr. was back. And his heart was going to leap out of his chest.
***
It was almost the end of the work day. Terry Sr. knocked on Terry Jr.’s door and poked his head in.
“Hey kid,” said Terry Sr. “good luck tonight." Terry Sr. walked in somberly. "How are you doing?” he asked.
In spite of all of Terry Jr.’s instincts to leave the building and never come back another day, Terry Jr. sat there with a smile on his face. He had an hour until he met with the Germans. Like any son not wanting to let his father down in the face of great triumph, Terry answered his father and said, “I’m doing good.”
***
Terry Jr. pulled up to Brothers Steakhouse in his brand-new Jeep Wrangler. There was a valet out front. Instead of going to the valet, he parked his car. Terry Jr. always used the valet at Brothers Steakhouse. To Brothers Steakhouse, Terry Jr. was family.
A quick glance around the parking lot saw that everyone was already there. CEO Niles Huntley’s Bentley was parked. The Germans’ limousine was parked on the side of the building. The Germans always had their limousine. Inside, Terry Jr. was sure, they were all waiting for him.
It was only a matter of time. Terry Jr. was going to have to roll up his sleeves, drop off his car at the valet, and get to work. Everyone was waiting on him.
Terry Jr. took a deep breath, looked over at his empty passenger seat, and reached underneath his seat. In his hand was his brand-new Artificial Intelligence charger. He stared at it like holy water.
Terry Jr. searched for an outlet in his car.
Time for a Joke:
Why did the A.I. go on a diet?
Because it had too many bytes!